Eye of the Tiber: My Journey to Catholicism Pt. 5

    There is no single person alive who taught me more about being a Christian than Ariana. This was, on her part, unintended. What I mean is, I have been in so many situations with Ariana where I was tempted to act one way, usually in my own selfish and cruel interest, but chose to do the Christian thing instead. There were many times where I also chose not to reflect Christ in my character, but I matured past that. Paradoxically, leaving her behind thus ending the friendship was perhaps the most Christ-like move in my life so far. To understand, maybe some background would be beneficial.

    If you’re part of the ICOC, you’ll know what it means when I say that Ariana was my interest, and you’ll understand how serious it was when I tell you she was my first interest, catching my eye maybe two or three months into being a member of the ICOC and she stayed that way for four years. Basically, all my time in the ICOC, and then some. But for those not in the ICOC, I guess the easiest way  to describe it is to say I fell in love with her.

    No girl has made me cry (that is, leak excess testosterone from my tear ducts, because men like me don’t cry like other people cry. We cry some manly tears) more than her. For most people, at least in America, such pain and hurt would have been sufficient enough to end the dysfunctional friendship. But not for me. I like to boast that one of my character strengths is loyalty. I think most men strive to be this way. I somehow found myself loyal to her, and in recent reflection, I think it was because I could grow in Christ when I was around her. I don’t know that she could say the same thing. It is out of situations like these that I know I really loved her.

    It wasn’t always like this though. We did want to be together at one point. I know this because she would come up to my best friend, Francisco at the time, and seek advice on how she could be a better girlfriend to me. Her feelings faded however, because they were merely that, feelings. And feelings change. Such is the curse of women, I think, to base their actions upon their feelings. I had feelings for her too, but that was the fruit of something deeper, it wasn’t the root. I’ve learned that charity is a very powerful type of love. And that is what I had for her and gave to her abundantly, charity.

    Philosopher J. Budziszewski writes this about charity, and I think it perfectly sums up my attitude towards Ariana. “Charity is an attitude that exults in the sheer existence of the other person….Is it accompanied by feelings? No doubt it is, though not always by the same ones. But is it a pleasant feeling? No. So far is charity from being a pleasant feeling that I may have charity for you even if I have unpleasant feelings about you. I may think it is good that you exist, I may want you to exist, and I may be prepared to do something about it, even though you have become a source of manifold sorrow to me. I would rather be unhappy about you, than happy without you in the world.

    Consider the implications. If I delight in your existence, then I must want something more for you than just your existence, must I not? The attitude we are speaking of does not say, ‘It is good that you exist, so that you may suffer!’ If I delight in the good that you are, then I must want you to experience all the good that you can: ‘I want you to exist well and beautifully!’ So charity entails a permanent commitment of the will to the true good of the other person. I want you to be and to live, I want good things for you, I want to do good things to you, I even want to do good things because of you. Good itself seems better because of you.

    Moreover, because charity is not a feeling but an activity of the will, it is something that one decides to do, and it can be promised. I can vow never to despair that you exist, but always to go on wanting you to exist. I can promise, from this day forward, I shall continue to will your true good. I can vow to learn the practices and disciplines that such a will entails. I can vow to have this will even if our friendship is strained-if at this minute I find it difficult to enjoy your company or see eye to eye with you. To be sure, love cost me something, makes me spend myself, even makes me want to spend myself. But there is something strange about such spending. In its perfection, the person whom I love becomes another self to me. Even though I forget myself, I am not diminished by the forgetting. I lose myself, only to find myself in a more spacious continent. ‘Love never ends’ (1st Corinthians 13:8). If the will is unwilling to be bound, what he have is not charity, but a passing good feeling."

    It may have been divine providence that when I began to study Catholicism, there also began a radical change in Ariana. Her charity for me had begin to deteriorate. Why she chose this, I might not ever know. She request a “break” and though it pained me, I granted it. Why? Because a break might be best for her, and I wanted what was best for her. It was during this break I had met Sirico and he sent me those two books. When Ariana was done with her break, we met up, and she confessed that she was a terrible friend to me, and she wanted to repent and be a better friend. Glad news. Before we ended the conversation, she had asked me about the rumors going around that I was considering Catholicism. I assured her that no such thing was happening. I was excited about what I was learning, and I admitted that Catholic apologetics was the toughest kind I had encountered (in comparison to Calvinism, Mormonism, and the Watchtower) and I had a few close calls, but it remained improbable that I would ever convert!

    So we were good friends again. Or so I thought. In the course of the year, we had only two occasions together. We saw the movie For Greater Glory and we had a cool talk at a masquerade. These times were awesome and great. They went without a hitch. So, when you’re successful at something, it makes sense that you want to do it over again, so I kept setting things up, but she would never agree. And I would always think of things to do together, and she never showed. And I would come up with some more schedule craftiness, but she could never find the time. During all this time, during these months, I kept up with my Catholic education. The more I learned, the more distant Ariana became, not that the two had a causal connection.

    I wasn’t so much troubled that Ariana was distancing herself from me. Ariana has had some bad mentoring and has some bad ideas of what a friendship should look like and what a relationship looks like and what love is. She doesn’t have an accurate understanding of these things and so she cannot act upon them. While unfortunate, it is not something I thought was irreparable. I knew what she was doing, but didn’t know why. What worried me was, as I had told Sirico, was that Ariana would not be in a good and charitable enough mindset to hear me out about Catholicism and consider joining. I was more worried about her becoming Catholic than us maintaining our friendship. I remember praying and telling God that if it cost what I had with Ariana for her to be a Catholic as I was going to be, then let it be so. Why? Because I love her and want the best for her. This is charity. I was willing to give that up so that I might see her in Heaven.

    Ariana knows how badly I wanted to go to Biola University. I still do. It’s been a dream of mine since I acquired a relationship with God when I first joined the ICOC. So, I would drop little hints now and then about how badly I want to go, and how terrible it would be that I would not be able to attend for whatever reason. What reason? Oh, I don’t know, like not adhering to their doctrinal statements because they’re largely Protestant and they don’t allow Catholics. Something like that. I didn’t tell her the reason, but in the case that I would have to join the Catholic church suddenly, she would know that it wasn’t without counting the cost. Giving up Biola was a big cost. How much bigger is the cost that I would have to be okay with giving up Ariana should she choose not to become Catholic? Much, much bigger. I doubt she connected those dots.

    I also asked her what her foundation was. The Bible says that the pillar and foundation of truth is the church. It is not the Bible, but the living and visible church. I gave her the reasons why I thought authority was needed to know what Scripture was. She didn’t grapple with what I was saying and she maintained her position that the Bible would always be her foundation, with no justification given whatsoever. Maybe she too was afraid of arguing with me. I began to become worried. Ariana is not being a Berean, but I’m going to need her too if she is going to convert. While it was possible that she could convert just to follow me, I doubted I was on such terms with her.

    So, I decided to loan her Rome Sweet Home by Scott and Kimberly Hahn. I’m sure by asking her to read this book, I revealed my intent. I felt that time was running short for me, so I needed to. By not joining the Catholic Church, I was defying God, and I continued to defy him so that maybe I could bring Ariana with me. It may not have been a wise thing to do, but I risked it. I prayed for God to give me some time so I could put effort into convincing her, that He would show me more grace. I had stayed long enough, and I needed to her to confront everything I was thinking.

    I doubt she ever read the book. She returned it to me with a letter attached, which she declared, in a nut-shell, that she wanted nothing to do with me anymore. Most people would have thought I was going to throw a fit, but I didn’t. In a sense, there was a huge feeling of relief. God had solved the problem for me. The only thing keeping me from the Catholic Church was Ariana, and now God had effectively and most clearly removed her from my life. There were a few more meetings after she wrote me that letter, to try to reconcile the friendship. I mean, it certainly isn’t Christ-like to say, “Get away. We’re not friends” and I didn’t want to leave her on that note.

    Fortunately, she rescinded what she had said, and admitted it was a wrong and cowardly thing to do. However, she maintained she didn’t want to be my friend anymore. But I reminded her that she made a commitment to me to be a better friend. I wanted to hold her to that commitment. She said she could not provide that. This is a lie. Commitment is a matter of will, as I quoted Budziszewski. This told me that she was just a weak-willed woman who wanted what she wanted, like Eve. She recognized she was bonded to me, but asked to be released from that oath. I didn’t want to, for both my sake and hers. Budziszewski has this image, that such actions of commitment and breaking them is like tearing duct-tape off a surface. The more you try to stick with something and you rip it off, you eventually lose your adhesive, and you don’t stick to anything anymore. And I brought this up to Ariana. I asked her, How do you think you can commit to God if you can’t even keep your smaller commitments? God says to take charge of ten cities because you were entrusted with smaller things. You, Ari, failed at keeping this small commitment. So, I said, I am willing to let her go of her duty so long as she knows what she did was wrong and is therefore guilty and I was willing to do so because I understood that I had to leave for the Catholic Church soon. If she was to take it, then my decision to be Catholic would be go into motion that day.

    Yana, one of the mediators of the talk, was offended that I would want Ariana to feel guilty. I explained that if Ariana is actually guilty, then her feelings would correspond to reality, and so there really isn’t a problem. Yana said that made sense. So, I made the offer explicitly to Ariana, and without missing a beat, she took it. The lack of hesitancy hurt me. She was willing to admit she was guilty and that she should feel so, so long as she didn’t have a duty to me. There was no charity on her part. No love. Such a decision still perplexes me.

    I hadn’t really grieved the loss, and it was a great loss. Maybe it just hit me so hard that I was numb. It was only two nights ago when I was in my garage when it actually hit me. I lay on my couch, and I thought to myself, I might not ever see her again. I really gave up the most amazing girl I had met. I cried. I grieved .

    The cross is now ahead of me, and to it I go. Ariana is behind me, though I wish she were beside me. I have to do what Christ has commanded me and follow him. Ariana is the biggest cost I’ve had to pay for this. I have begun my Rite of Christian Initiation of Adults. I will post about it when I have been received back into the Church.