Awkward Silence

My students don't believe me when I tell them I am an introvert. I wonder if I am being fake in class, that I'm just playing a character, that who they see in class isn't really who I am. I project my voice, I like to tell stories, tell jokes, aiming to deliver some point about the subject we are covering. But as soon as the last bell rings, I mentally clock out, and I rush to be alone in my car. This alone time is important to me. I'll get frustrated when my wife calls me, with seemingly no real purpose other than to talk to me about how she can't quite figure out how to make cornbread right and all the research she has done about cornbread, and this is frustrating because it violates my me time that I don't wish to fill with cornbread. 

But I get it. She wants to talk with me, because by sharing her speech with me, she is sharing with me her private and innermost thoughts and life. We are married, and are not only united in body but in mind, and sometimes the mind is occupied with cornbread, and I am to share in that. There's a delight in that by sharing and giving herself with me, she does not lose herself but expands herself. I become like her and share in her joys, victories, and if need be, sufferings. Especially if she doesn't cook the cornbread right. 

But as an introvert, I think the opposite can also be said to be true. In my silence, I wish to share you. There have been plenty of times where I have met someone, and they're genuinely cool people to be around. I recall having a good number of teachers and professors whom I admired and would go in office hours and end up just shooting the wind about some TV series we're enjoying or something. But I would also just as much enjoy if I sat quietly in their presence. Not in a stalking sort of way, where they can't see me behind a bush, but in a sense where existing in your presence is just cool. It's vitalizing. But I also recognize that it's awkward. I mean, could you imagine if I walked into my professors office and said, "Hey, can I just hang out and silently do my homework in here with you?" Yeah, that's weird. Don't do that. 

Nonetheless, I want to do that. I would not mind if a student came up to me and asked, "Can I just silently eat in your class?" Yeah. You can. Cause I get it. Even in my silence, I am sharing my existence with you. It is good that we exist, and exist wonderfully. Our being radiates, and it's something which I would like to vibe with. 

I suspect this is more obvious with Our Lord. When I go to adoration, I like the silent presence of the Lord. There's something awesome about being in proximity to God the creator of the universe, and just sitting and being. And being because He wills that I be, so that I may love and be loved. Maybe this is why I choose to be, even if silently, around others. You can sense the presence of grace within them, to which talking can, in some instances, be an obstacle. Just sit. Be silent. Be.