Incompatibility

I love to see people in love. I love weddings, I love couples, I love love. This is odd because I myself haven't been in a relationship for years, and not for lack of trying. I've heard this common piece of advice, "Maybe you're not compatible with this person." I want to examine this. 

It is not clear what compatibility means. I've usually heard this term in terms of sexuality, that is, "Me and my boyfriend are not sexually compatible." But, being a Christian, this means I don't have sex so long as I remain unmarried. All my friends know this, so this can't be what this means. They must mean personality traits, which includes emotional and "spiritual" characteristics. So let's run with this. 

What is a relationship about? What is it for? It's about two people getting together, and in their love, form a bond. What does this have to do with personality? Let's say Adrian is quiet, usually reserved, and isn't too physically active. Adrianne is is loud, outgoing, and is very physically active. In this respect, they are polar opposites. Yet, why in the world would someone want to base their relationship off this? Is this what love is? No, it is not. As I explained in my previous post, unconditional love has to do with duty and counting on the other person. None of these personality traits have to do with the essence or nature of a person. All these things could change. Maybe Adrianne is no longer these things because she's paralyzed. Is their love no longer valid and binding because of her personality has changed? No, so personality compatibility is no reason to accept or deny a person. 

Or maybe compatibility is the opposite of what I have said it is. Maybe Adrian and Adrianne are compatible because they are so different. A ying to the yang. No matter. It fails for the same reason. These things could change in the person, yet, it would seem wrong to suddenly drop that person for those reasons. How shallow. 

Or maybe they mean this person doesn't have the right qualities, not just mere hobbies. Like patience, perseverance, faithfulness, long suffering, etc. In this case, the problem isn't that Adrian isn't compatible with Adrianne because Adrian lacks these things, but simply that Adrian is not a good person to be with, period. Adrian needs to repent and has much bigger issues than "compatibility" at hand. And if Adrian claimed to truly love Adrianne, he would not be impatient, faithless, or complaining. So because he doesn't truly love Adrianne, questions of relationship should not even be considered. This side-steps the whole "compatibility" issue. 

However, we are all sinful, and so can never be perfect. It would seem too harsh of a standard to impose on people to say that perfection is needed to enter a relationship. If there is an act of contrition, that ought to suffice. Even if it is an imperfect act of contrition, this is good enough for God, and so should be good enough for us. And this is love. Love is obedience, and unconditional love is willingly carrying out one's duty, which is a form of obedience anyways. In a relationship, what more could you ask for, but love? Why should anything else matter? 

So, the question should not be, "Who will make me happy", for that is nothing short of self-worship, rather it is, "Who will love me the best?" Isn't that self-worship also? No, for love perseveres, and may make one annoyed. For example, if a husband loves his wife, and his wife becomes bitter and angry at him after she has an affair, his loving perseverance may make her angrier. I can think of a few times God's continual grace has angered me. So, the husband loves the wife and the wife does not like it. This is not self-worship. 

All you need is love. Love is compatible with everything. If you are looking for compatibility, you aren't looking for love.