What Is Love? (Baby Don't Hurt Me. Don't Hurt Me. No More)

I found this in my living room the other day. My little sister, Emma, made it for my mom. Most people would go, "Awwwww..." but not me. No, philosophy has turned me into a jerk. So I guess I should say that I get what my sister is trying to communicate, though, strictly speaking, this shouldn't be said. Why not? 

We think, generally, that love should be unconditional. That is, there is no condition set upon one's love, as if the absence of that condition would negate the love. Here, my little sister's love is conditional, it's conditional on my mom's cuteness. If Emma loves Mom, Mom is cute. If Mom isn't cute, Emma doesn't love her. This seems shallow. Yet, how often do we do this? 

I've tried to explain this to some people. For example, when people talk to me about some girl I like, or in some cases, love, they'll ask me, "Why do you love her?" I think it's a silly question, and it shows me that they have a very shallow love they have in mind. "I don't have any particular reason" I'll usually say. They'll look at me, frown, and tell me I should have a reason. But no, my love is not conditional. Love is the last reason, and no reason should be asked for it. 

For example, we all try to believe true things. So, when someone asks us why we believe something, we can answer, "I believe it because it is true." You should always believe true things. After you have given your reasons for a thing being true, it would make no sense to ask, "Why do you believe true things?" Truth is the goal. Truth is the end. It goes no further. Another example: I do things because they are good. I make a certain action, and such an action is good, and I do it because it is good. If someone were to ask me why I did a certain action, I can reply, "Because it was a good thing to do." No one would ask me, "Why do you do good things? Why not bad things?" To do good things is the goal, it's the end. Likewise, if a wife were to ask her husband, "Why do you love me?" the question would make little sense. To love one another is the end. It is the goal. It makes no sense to ask or question the foundation of something. If it is the foundation, it goes no further. 

But strictly speaking, keeping unconditional love negative, that is, the absence of a condition, is not enough. It was Christopher Hitchens who said, "What can be accepted without evidence can also be dismissed without evidence." In the same way, if a love comes into being for no reason can also disappear for no reason. Yet, this would be counter-intuitive to a central aspect of unconditional love, that it is a love that will last. And here, we have a central, yet often dismissed and often attacked, condition for love in order for it to be a real true unconditional love, and that is duty. Unconditional love requires duty. 

For example, if my mom ends up in the hospital, my mom should be able to count on my little sister and I to show up to the hospital. Why? Not for love, strictly speaking. Imagine, if my little sister and I did not love my mom, we wouldn't show up to the hospital. This would seem wrong. No, we show up out of duty, simply because she is our mother and we are her children. When we show up without a second thought at the hospital for our mother, this is real unconditional love, a love that you can count on. Unconditional love is love that does not fight its obligation and happily accepts it. 

Credit is due to Alexander Pruss and his book "One Body" for these thoughts.