Oklahoma!

I am not a danger to myself, or to anyone else.

Murder and suicide are gravely evil for the same reason: it is the unjust taking of a life. Suicide just happens to be your own life that you are taking. I think murder happens mostly for malicious or passionate reasons. Someone has wronged you, and you want to revenge, and so, you kill them. Unless you're just a serial killer or a terrorist, I take this to be fairly common. I have not looked at the stats, but this is just my intuition. 

Suicide, though it is essentially the same crime, happens for almost never those reasons. We may imagine a man strangling his wife with his face red in rage, or a woman beating her cheating husbands skull in with a hammer because of her humiliation. But I can't imagine suicide being carried out in the same manner. I find it difficult to imagine someone beating themselves to death. No one gets mad at themselves and thinks, 'Dammit, I'll shoot myself if I cut someone else off again!' Suicide seems to happen in more melancholy circumstances. Murder seems to be motivated more by rage. 

What can this teach us? Well, perhaps it suggests that we don't tend to forgive others as much as we would like to be forgiven. Or maybe we don't empathize with others as much as should. I'm not entirely sure. But I want to die. Don't confuse this with the claim that I want to kill myself. I do not. I recognize the gravity of such a sin. It is a golden ticket to hell, and I would very much like to avoid that. But this emotional pain that I have carried with me the last two or three years is beginning to become more and more unbearable. I can't seem to find a solution. I've sought some help, grief recovery, but they don't work. I can't bear this much longer, and suicide would just be even worse for "what dreams may come." 

This is a mystery. This is a mystery because God, in His infinite and Divine wisdom, has chosen this time and these circumstances for me to be more united with Him in His sufferings. I don't know that my natural reason can comprehend this, but I know that God wishes that every tear will be wiped from my face. 

I must be careful. Knowledge and belief are not the same. I assent to the truths revealed by God's church. But belief is not mere assent. Faith and Hope definitely are more than mere assent. So I wonder, do I really have Faith and Hope in God in these circumstances, as St. Thomas seems them as a kind of perfection? I am far from perfect in this regard. I must pray. 

If I must die, let it be as God wills, not as I will it. But please, let it be. And let it be while I am under grace.