One Way Love
It is pretty standard to say that love is unitive. Unity seems to require consent. It wouldn't sound right to say that you and I are united in this goal when I will the goal while you will we don't meet our goal. If we happen to reach that goal through force or by accident, our unity doesn't seem genuine. So, what happens if you love a person but that person does not love you? Can it be said that real love is happening? You will not be united, so, what gives?
The issue came up recently when my I was expressing my, oh I don't know what to call it, my inner conflict on attending a friends wedding. Because things had been tense and our last few conversations (with the bride to be) were pretty much us arguing, I was kind of in doubt about the status of our friendship. Things weren't resolved and were up in the air. So, I was expressing all the anger and confusion to my friend, and I said to her, 'You know, if I don't go to the wedding, I don't think we (the bride and I) will be friends anymore.' Being the wonderful friend that she is, she asked me whether this was just. Was it just that I not attend the wedding, resulting in what I believed would be a termination of the friendship? She asked me whether I should be there for her even if I thought she was making a bad decision, even if she threatened to end the friendship?
It's an interesting question. If I were to say to my wife, "I will continue to love you" and she responds, "I will hate that you love me", what is happening? If love is unitive, and she refuses that unity because she refuses to reciprocate that love, is there really love? You would think I would have figured this out by now. As it so happened to be, I really loved the friend that was asking me these questions. I kinda thought maybe I wanted to marry her. But she never reciprocated that love. This went on for like five years, and this question never crossed my mind. And then, the same week, I asked another woman out for a Valentine date, and basically, she said no because she was still in love with another man. So, where is all this love going? Is it failed love? Can love fail? The issue is a relevant one for me.
Well, I understand that there are two (out of many, I'm sure) schools of thought on love. Love is a bestowal of value upon a person, or love is an appraisal of value of a person. Say for now that love is a bestowal of value upon a person. If we say that, then maybe we can say that my contemplation of that person when I will the good and think about the good of that person, then their consent is not necessary for real love to occur. Their refusal to bestow love upon me does not mean love has not occurred. Now say that love is the appraisal of value of a person. It doesn't seem like my contemplation of willing their good achieves that unity, while the previous view does.
If you want to say real love happens even if it is not reciprocated, then love is better understood as a bestowing of value than an appraisal of value. Maybe there is a better theory than both. I dunno.
The issue came up recently when my I was expressing my, oh I don't know what to call it, my inner conflict on attending a friends wedding. Because things had been tense and our last few conversations (with the bride to be) were pretty much us arguing, I was kind of in doubt about the status of our friendship. Things weren't resolved and were up in the air. So, I was expressing all the anger and confusion to my friend, and I said to her, 'You know, if I don't go to the wedding, I don't think we (the bride and I) will be friends anymore.' Being the wonderful friend that she is, she asked me whether this was just. Was it just that I not attend the wedding, resulting in what I believed would be a termination of the friendship? She asked me whether I should be there for her even if I thought she was making a bad decision, even if she threatened to end the friendship?
It's an interesting question. If I were to say to my wife, "I will continue to love you" and she responds, "I will hate that you love me", what is happening? If love is unitive, and she refuses that unity because she refuses to reciprocate that love, is there really love? You would think I would have figured this out by now. As it so happened to be, I really loved the friend that was asking me these questions. I kinda thought maybe I wanted to marry her. But she never reciprocated that love. This went on for like five years, and this question never crossed my mind. And then, the same week, I asked another woman out for a Valentine date, and basically, she said no because she was still in love with another man. So, where is all this love going? Is it failed love? Can love fail? The issue is a relevant one for me.
Well, I understand that there are two (out of many, I'm sure) schools of thought on love. Love is a bestowal of value upon a person, or love is an appraisal of value of a person. Say for now that love is a bestowal of value upon a person. If we say that, then maybe we can say that my contemplation of that person when I will the good and think about the good of that person, then their consent is not necessary for real love to occur. Their refusal to bestow love upon me does not mean love has not occurred. Now say that love is the appraisal of value of a person. It doesn't seem like my contemplation of willing their good achieves that unity, while the previous view does.
If you want to say real love happens even if it is not reciprocated, then love is better understood as a bestowing of value than an appraisal of value. Maybe there is a better theory than both. I dunno.
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