Two Preparations for Death

 I've been reflecting on my anxiety attack, and how I thought I was moments away from death. It wasn't the first time I thought I was going to die. The other time was when I got into my car crash. There is one major difference in my experience of both those events. The first, in my car crash, I was ready to die, and accept death. It's cool to think how fast my brain went through thoughts in a split second. Some of those thoughts were, "Oh no" "Oh well" "I didn't get to say goodbye" "I'm ready for this" "I'm confident in my salvation" "I'll see Jesus and be happy". 

In my second anticipation of death, these were the thoughts that were going through my mind, as I lay on the floor, listening to my sister panic as she called the paramedics, "Oh no" "No no no" "I'm not ready" "I've done so many things I can't take back" "I'm going to hell" "I'm going to see Jesus and not be happy" "I've wasted my life" "It's too late to ask for forgiveness" "Why don't you ask now?" "No, it won't count".

In one case, I was in a state of grace, and in another, I was not. And it's pretty scary, ya know. Clearly, it was better to be in the first case than in the second. But the after effects are different. After my car accident, it was super distressing to be in a car. I couldn't be in one for a few months without having my heart skip a beat, or without giving unnecessary panicked warnings to my drivers at every turn. In this way, my life didn't get better. 

But after my anxiety attack, which really felt like a stroke, with half my body going paralyzed, things got better. I made more of an effort to maintain God's grace in my life. I reevaluated priorities. I quit my job which made me pretty happy. I decided to look at the trees and birds. Life got better. Life is better. 

God disciplines those he loves. I am very grateful for having this experience. I wouldn't want to go through it again, but I'm glad I did. Perhaps, when we feel God's grace too much, we get anxious to maintain it, and we get somewhat scrupulous about it. I became scrupulous about driving. But, when I felt God's absence, and I felt my eternal destiny in danger, that allowed me to reach out more and strengthen my relationship with God. So, God brings good out of that. And that's pretty cool.