Dating and Adoption

I'm on Catholic Match. I don't know why. I shouldn't be. I have no business being there. But I am. A part of me hates myself for it, another part just really wants to be successful. I guess I consider it a scraping of the barrel, because, you know, online dating. But, whatever, that's not what I want to talk about. So, I've had a few exchanges with one woman, and being the fool that I am, I didn't look through her profile because she initiated conversation. When I finally did, I saw that she had a child. That's a big NO for me. My friend told me to man up. So, I just want to sort of lay out my reservations here, and maybe we can extract some more general principles from them. 

I'll be honest and say I haven't really given it much thought. I mean, I've given it some consideration, but I haven't applied thought to it. It just really rubs me the wrong way, and that was sufficient for me. So, what exactly bothers me about it? What does not bother me is that there is a child in the picture. I want children, but I want them to be mine. 

So, what about this child not being mine bothers me? Well, I guess it could be a number of things. I myself am a virgin (yup, 26 year old virgin, you mad bro?) and I would appreciate it if my spouse were too. I have saved myself for my spouse, I don't think it's unfair or unjust to want that in someone else either. And consider that I have not always been a Christian, so it won't really do that maybe someone was not a Christian during their life and converted after they had lost their virginity. Having a child not only indicates that she is not a virgin, but that the act had been fulfilled (in a final cause sense). 

In a marriage, the relationship between a husband and a wife is more important than a parent and their offspring. If need be, the parents need to tell the child this, and they would need to separate themselves from the child for a moment (a date night, or time for sex). I would have no problem telling my own child this, but I would not be comfortable telling a child that is not mine, "My relationship with your mom is more important than your relationship with your mom, and mine takes priority." That seems more intrusive. Whereas if the child were mine, the child understand that it is he that is being intrusive, and not I. 

There is the issue of the father and where he is in the picture. Is he present? Passed away? Jailed? Does the mother even know who the father is? It can add drama, and that's not something I really want. I'm okay with an imperfect spouse. I'm not okay with a third man in the picture giving me problems. Am I less of a man for not desiring that and passing that up? 

Now, say he doesn't present a problem. Maybe he's a humble and understanding guy. There seems to be a tension in dynamics. In a marriage, I presume to be head of the household. That means over the child as well. However, this child has a duty to her father. In a case where we conflict (maybe I want to take this non-offspring shooting, and maybe the father believes that's too dangerous) whose will does the child obey? It isn't clear, and tensions will arise. Am I the child's father, even if not biological? 

It seems like biological parents still have a real bond to a child, even if they desire no relationship with them. Consider children of sperm donors who undergo an existential crises and long to know who their real father is. Or even children who were adopted, but didn't learn this until later in life. There is a connection there, perhaps a sacred one, and it's foreign to me. I don't want foreign people in my marriage. It seems antithetical to what a marriage is. And because that biological reality is not there, I could never fully love this child as my own, and that child deserves better than that.

Is there a difference here between adoption? Yes. In adoption, where neither I nor my spouse is biologically related to the child, we can still say her adoption was a product of our love, even if not physical, and so, she still is distinct from us both, and so Mom and Dad need their time.