2020 Reflections

The year is nearing its end, and I reflect. The theme is impenitence. Final Impenitence is the opposite of Final Perseverance. We die without confession or contrition of sins. This causes the soul to be eternally damned. I have many sins which I have confessed, and have tried to correct. The biggest attempts to correction have been my previous relationships with women. I felt as though I matured enough, was willing to explain and admit anything when asked, because I know the women I have hurt must have questions. 

I started with Chandler. I dated Chandler some years ago, and it ended terribly. I felt as though she pressured me into the relationship, and I was too much of a coward to tell her 'no'. This lead to a disaster of a relationship, and the only way I had the courage to break it off was to be a total jerk to her, so that she could break it off. This year, I dated a woman, Meghan, who actually happened to know her. So that motivated me to reach out to Chandler and apologize for the horrible human being I was. Everywhere, she blocked me, but I found old messages between us on etsy (she used to sell knives). So, I reached out to her there, was notified that she read my message, and was subsequently blocked. That was the end of that. 

Then I went to Alex. Alex and I had a thing behind my best friends back, but never really took off anywhere due to the secretive nature of the relationship, which caused deep frustration in us both. It had been years since her and I have spoken, and as is standard, was blocked on all social media. But then I discovered a business page of hers, and reached out that way. I told her I was willing to explain everything and apologize. I was notified that she read my messaged, and was subsequently blocked. Again. That was the end of that. 

I had a short fling with Meghan, as she had to move away. I always kind of knew it was going nowhere, and I think she knew it too, and though we've agreed to keep in touch, she has not responded to any messages I've sent her. Though she broke it off with me, I had always felt it was wrong to be in that relationship and make the effort of trying. There was no good reason to be in it if I knew it was going nowhere, and I wronged her for that. Not a big deal, but still, I would have liked to apologize. I wish her the best. 


Teresa. The greatest cross. Not only did she block me, so did her boyfriend. That's fine. I have not wronged anyone as much as her. She herself did nothing wrong to me, expect perhaps not break it off with me sooner. Chalk it up to timidity perhaps, but I understand that feeling as I was that way with Chandler. I was almost completely at fault, and have to apologize for everything. And I cannot. Perhaps if I get to school up North, and happen to bump into her at some church event, but this is unlikely. 

Impenitence. In some cases, it is unwilling, in others, it is not feasible. I have learned my lessons. 2020 will employ these lessons, if it is not already too late. 

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