Should I Be Alone With The Opposite Sex?
I’ve heard many “lessons” on purity. I
don’t think many of them are that well thought out. It’s more of a,
“This is what I believe, and if you don’t believe the same thing as I
do, then you’re not godly” rants than an actual lesson. If someone is
going to teach on it, then they should be informed, but many aren’t. I
have put some thought into it. In fact, sexual ethics fascinates me and I
hope to do more study about it and get my philosophy degree writing
about it. I say that because I want to question a very common belief
among my congregation and these brief comments should preempt any ad
hominems.
The proposition is this: a male should never be alone with a female.
I’m sure many of you have heard this before and it is this I want to question. I’m not sure I actually ever heard any real sort of justification for this but it is always unspoken, assumed to be understood. But I don’t understand. The following reason I hear is either, “It’s not wise” or, “You don’t want to risk it.”
Wisdom is merely the application of knowledge. So we can say something not being wise is either lack of knowledge or lack of application. But what knowledge is available that is lacking or what are we not applying? This overlaps to the next line of justification concerning risk. “You don’t want to risk it.”
But risk what? Perhaps the context of the message being given will clue us in, and the answer we will find is impurity. But that only pushes the question back, what is impure about being alone with a girl? There is nothing wrong with that (and if it is not morally wrong, then it cannot be impure because being impure entails it is morally wrong).
So, let me go down the list of some possibilities. Is it that I might hold her hand? Then question is raised, is there anything wrong with holding a girls hand? I would like to know because I don’t see any reason to believe that. Is it that I might kiss her? The question is then raised, what is wrong with kissing? I would like to hear an argument against kissing. If there is not one, we move on. Finally, is it that I might have sex with a girl? When you think about that for five seconds, you realize that’s not a good reason either. Is sex intrinsically wrong? I hope not because God basically has a book talking about it. So there is nothing wrong with any of these things.
The obvious objection is that you are doing these things when they are not warranted. For example, I may have sex with my wife, but no one else, and sex, though not intrinsically wrong, can be wrong in certain contexts, like sex with someone who is not your wife. Said sister is not your wife, hence, sex with her is immoral. To this, I have no quarrel with. I completely agree with that. However, this is not the proposition being argued. We are not arguing, Is sex with women outside of marriage moral? We are arguing, Is it wrong to be with alone with a girl? Those who say Yes it is, argue that being alone will lead to such actions. Let us examine this as well.
Before this happens, we have to be tempted by it first. This is also problematic for my opposition because many brothers will say, “You should confess at the temptation level.” Because temptation comes first, we should deal with it first. Is temptation to hold a girls hand something to be confessed? If holding her hand is not wrong, how could it be something to confess? So, no need for action there. Is kissing her wrong? We have already established it is not, so no need to confess there either. Now, is the desire to have sex with a girl wrong? No, it is not. It is very natural to have sexual desire. And here lies the fundamental mistake of many of these sloppy “purity lessons”. It is not wrong to desire sex! All it shows is that you are human, as God intended!
A similar objection is raised, “But you want to act on it! That’s wrong.” This is only half true. It is only wrong if she is not your wife, which is already ceded. But if that is ceded, then the solution is clear. Instead of beating back your natural sexual God given impulses, you channel them in the appropriate way, which is marriage. Instead of treating us like children and telling us we can’t be alone with sisters, how about you encourage us to get married instead? Let us give into our God given desires, and let us enter marriage which is also God ordained. Do that instead of putting restrictions. The former view dictates to us and treats us like children, while my solution gives more liberty and is still God approved.
If you want to keep treating us like children, how do you expect us to grow up and be men for our wives?
Finally, there is the argument from probabilities. While I may be correct in what I am saying, there will still be that idiot who has sex and doesn’t get married. Therefore, they impose such standards to not risk that. But I would like to propose a reductio. The argument, given that it mainly comes from one brother preaching, can be reduced to absurdity. It was said, and accepted without question, that masturbation is sex with the self (of course I scoffed at its stupidity, but who really listens to me anyways? If I had said anything at the moment, I would be been frowned upon. I talked to his brother about his error, but he wasn’t responsive). So, if we cannot be trusted with others for fear of premarital sex, then it also follows that we cannot be trusted with ourselves for fear of sex by ourselves, therefore we can never be alone! But who proposes such absurd ideas? No one! Yet they logically follow, and hence, are driven to absurdity.
The proposition is this: a male should never be alone with a female.
I’m sure many of you have heard this before and it is this I want to question. I’m not sure I actually ever heard any real sort of justification for this but it is always unspoken, assumed to be understood. But I don’t understand. The following reason I hear is either, “It’s not wise” or, “You don’t want to risk it.”
Wisdom is merely the application of knowledge. So we can say something not being wise is either lack of knowledge or lack of application. But what knowledge is available that is lacking or what are we not applying? This overlaps to the next line of justification concerning risk. “You don’t want to risk it.”
But risk what? Perhaps the context of the message being given will clue us in, and the answer we will find is impurity. But that only pushes the question back, what is impure about being alone with a girl? There is nothing wrong with that (and if it is not morally wrong, then it cannot be impure because being impure entails it is morally wrong).
So, let me go down the list of some possibilities. Is it that I might hold her hand? Then question is raised, is there anything wrong with holding a girls hand? I would like to know because I don’t see any reason to believe that. Is it that I might kiss her? The question is then raised, what is wrong with kissing? I would like to hear an argument against kissing. If there is not one, we move on. Finally, is it that I might have sex with a girl? When you think about that for five seconds, you realize that’s not a good reason either. Is sex intrinsically wrong? I hope not because God basically has a book talking about it. So there is nothing wrong with any of these things.
The obvious objection is that you are doing these things when they are not warranted. For example, I may have sex with my wife, but no one else, and sex, though not intrinsically wrong, can be wrong in certain contexts, like sex with someone who is not your wife. Said sister is not your wife, hence, sex with her is immoral. To this, I have no quarrel with. I completely agree with that. However, this is not the proposition being argued. We are not arguing, Is sex with women outside of marriage moral? We are arguing, Is it wrong to be with alone with a girl? Those who say Yes it is, argue that being alone will lead to such actions. Let us examine this as well.
Before this happens, we have to be tempted by it first. This is also problematic for my opposition because many brothers will say, “You should confess at the temptation level.” Because temptation comes first, we should deal with it first. Is temptation to hold a girls hand something to be confessed? If holding her hand is not wrong, how could it be something to confess? So, no need for action there. Is kissing her wrong? We have already established it is not, so no need to confess there either. Now, is the desire to have sex with a girl wrong? No, it is not. It is very natural to have sexual desire. And here lies the fundamental mistake of many of these sloppy “purity lessons”. It is not wrong to desire sex! All it shows is that you are human, as God intended!
A similar objection is raised, “But you want to act on it! That’s wrong.” This is only half true. It is only wrong if she is not your wife, which is already ceded. But if that is ceded, then the solution is clear. Instead of beating back your natural sexual God given impulses, you channel them in the appropriate way, which is marriage. Instead of treating us like children and telling us we can’t be alone with sisters, how about you encourage us to get married instead? Let us give into our God given desires, and let us enter marriage which is also God ordained. Do that instead of putting restrictions. The former view dictates to us and treats us like children, while my solution gives more liberty and is still God approved.
If you want to keep treating us like children, how do you expect us to grow up and be men for our wives?
Finally, there is the argument from probabilities. While I may be correct in what I am saying, there will still be that idiot who has sex and doesn’t get married. Therefore, they impose such standards to not risk that. But I would like to propose a reductio. The argument, given that it mainly comes from one brother preaching, can be reduced to absurdity. It was said, and accepted without question, that masturbation is sex with the self (of course I scoffed at its stupidity, but who really listens to me anyways? If I had said anything at the moment, I would be been frowned upon. I talked to his brother about his error, but he wasn’t responsive). So, if we cannot be trusted with others for fear of premarital sex, then it also follows that we cannot be trusted with ourselves for fear of sex by ourselves, therefore we can never be alone! But who proposes such absurd ideas? No one! Yet they logically follow, and hence, are driven to absurdity.
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