Losing Friends
In my previous post, I mentioned I lost my friend as a friend. We are no longer friends.
Friends seek the good for one another, and goods and truth are the same things. You cannot have something based on an untruth as a good. The most perfect friendship is united in all the Truth. My friendship with the character we are calling Uriah ended for precisely that reason. I can pinpoint that moment. I remember it well.
I have a passion for converting people to Catholicism. This is because I love people. As I would like to be united in perfect truth with people, so to be a better friend, it is necessary that they also be Catholic. That is not to say friendships with Catholics are always better than non-Catholics. There may be other issues I am not united with a Catholic friend that I am with a non-Catholic friend, which may mean that I am better united with the non-Catholic. So, when I began my conversion to Catholicism, I understood that my friendship with my best friend may suffer a tiny bit, which was a good trade off for being in the truth and being in a position to help my friend enter that truth so that we may be even more united in truth.
He had always told me that he admired my relentless pursuit of truth, which I try to make central to my life. So, he rightly admires it. And I was under the impression that he was engaged in a similar pursuit, but that was not the case. I remember his last ditch effort to dissuade me from becoming Catholic. He said, "Adrian, if you leave, I will not be able to carry on the reforms in our church that I have been wanting to carry out. I am so close. Do not ruin this for me."
That hurt. A lot. This showed me that we in fact were not united in a pursuit of truth, and it was demonstrated with a twist of selfishness. The highest good was in fact one that we were not pursuing together. When there is no meeting of minds, there is an invalid agreement. If I were to say to you, "Let us meet where we last met" and you recalled incorrectly and went to Place A while I went to Place B, you cannot say you agreed to my terms properly. We cannot flourish properly if we are united in ignorance, it must always be truth. So, perhaps we were not friends after all.
But we were. And I anticipated the final blow with a heavy heart. When one cares for a friend, one does not anticipate the end of that friendship with delight. When my friend Alfie Bear left, I counted down the days he would leave. Like Elisha said about the anticipating departure of his friend Elijah, "Do not speak of it." There is no joy in that. But then what that means is, friendships are meant to last forever. If we are meant to be happy, and anticipating the loss of a friend is contrary to human happiness, then the two are incompatible. And I was sad when I lost my friend Uriah, but I saw it coming. When Alfie bear left, I was sad, but only temporarily, because I knew it wasn't goodbye. It was only temporary, and while he's gone, he's doing great things. He left the day of his wedding. There's no way you can be sad for a guy leaving like that. It was a happy ending, a bit bittersweet, but happy, which is rare in life.
I have similar concerns for many of my engaged friends. I don't have many friends, so naturally I am heavily concerned that most of them are engaged. Will they move away? Will I not see them anymore? Will they start a new family and not have time for me anymore? Will their time be utterly consumed with their spouse? Will my presence be perceived as a threat to the spouse? If so, will I be a source of conflict between the two? And we could think of many other questions. These thoughts make one unhappy. We do not want to anticipate the loss of friends.
Perhaps this is why I am becoming more and more desperate to find my own spouse. I need someone to latch onto. If friends are meant to be forever, I want a friend who will be there with me forever. A typical friend can't do that. A spouse probably can. But they die too. So perhaps we need to be friends with the one that does live forever first, which is Jesus.
And it makes you wonder, if losing a friend is inevitable with death and contrary to human happiness, we have two choice. Choose that we will all die in a sad state of affairs when all our friends die if we are the last to die, or accept that death is not the end.
Interesting posts, these last two you've written. I appreciate the vulnerability for sure. I definitely disagree with your self-assessment of not being a coward, because it appears that your friend Uriah tried in earnest to learn the truth as to why you opposed his union with your other friend and you refused to tell him. If your allegiance was really to the truth as you claim I think you would have told him the whole truth, but it looks like you were so desperate to hold on to the friendship that you maintained a false pretense of being concerned for both their welfares when the real reason for your disapproval was probably more carnal. You also seem like a narcissist too, since the way you talk about these people is like you're moving pieces on a chess board instead of trusting God to decide what is best for them. That kind of controlling and manipulative behavior doesn't exactly lend itself to building solid friendships, so it's no surprise that they abandoned you or that you have few friends as you say. Having a spouse won't rectify these core character issues. If you address them before marriage you stand a fair chance of making a relationship work I think. I'll definitely be praying for you mate.
ReplyDeleteWell, I was an avid chess player for some years...
DeleteLet me address your comment more seriously.
DeleteI did not intend these posts to be "vulnerable", whatever that means (and lingo like that clues me in as to who you are...). I have two objectives in these two posts. First is to make a basic distinction between being an opponent and being an enemy, which is easy if you're a chess player as I am. Second is a brief if somewhat tangential meditation on the anticipation of losing friends, and what that means for an afterlife. My anecdotes are there to add some color to what would have otherwise been a pretty dry entry.
So, why then did I not tell my friend my reasons for my opposition. Well, there were a few, but I suppose if I recall correctly I did give him some vague answers. But the primary reason was because we were often in public. As I said, I made the declarations of mine public, and so, the inquisitions were also public, and I didn't want to do the disservice to my friend, a closeted homosexual, and say that he was in no position to do so, and say it in front of others who did not know about it. If the reason was carnal, it was carnal on his part, and an improper one at that. I could go on, but I think that should suffice, anonymous commentator, to give me the benefit of the doubt here.
And yes, I was desperate to maintain the friendship, I do not deny that. That is a major point of this post, that friendships are meant to last forever, and I would do what I would have to in order to maintain them. You can't blame me for wanting to maintain this good, even if I was admittedly a bit misguided.
Human actions are God's divine providence are not mutually exclusive. Saying I should have just left this up to God sets up that false choice. For example, I still wear my seat belt, and I make that precaution while still trusting God what is best for me.
Is it controlling and manipulative? Sure. I acknowledge that. And I don't do it anymore. I hope you don't hastily generalize from this one post that I am like this in all my endeavors. No, while I may have listed my goals for these posts, let me tell you my motivations.
I am, unfortunately, in a situation with another great friend of mine, whom is engaged. I do not approve. I have voiced my approval. These lead to some nasty exchanges, and I don't want to lose this friend. When I reflect on my current situation, it just sort of reminds me of my friend "Uriah" and how I would have done things differently. I don't want to lose this friend. Over something as silly as a marriage (any marriage she validly participates in is a good, so no matter what, I will support her in that good). My motivation should suffice to show that I am not this way, generally.
And please, don't mistake my lack of friends as a deficiency from my efforts. I don't want too many friends, but I don't want none either. Just a handful will do.
And you are correct, if I address this longing of mine before marriage, then I do stand a better chance of fulfilling that desire. I suggested that solution, which was being friends first with God before anyone else.
All prayers are appreciated :-)
Adrian, thank you for your thoughtful and forthright response. By praising your vulnerability I was expressing admiration for your willingness to discuss an unsavory part of your past that could potentially leave you open to censure. This requires a certain level of courage, and I may have been too hasty in making certain judgements. For that, I apologize. Your disclosure of Uriah's closeted homosexuality does add a peculiar wrinkle to the story. I did want to address the use of what I consider a rather inappropriate analogy: the seatbelt. Using a seatbelt is a choice regarding personal safety. By driving you're willfully taking on the inherent risks involved in operating a vehicle, and the seatbelt is a precaution one can take to minimize those risks. In relationships you can take certain precautions as well to minimize the damage, like having good boundaries. However, I can't decide another person's boundaries for them, not even God does that. What I meant by trusting God to decide what is best for these parties is surrendering control in the matter of your former friends and allowing them to make their own mistakes and learn from them. It seems you have learned from the past, and are applying these principles in your current friendship with your engaged friend. I applaud you for that, and I think you understand now that by taking on the role of someone who supports friends even in the face of perceivably wrong decisions rather than trying by your own stratagems to prevent them, you are acting as a true friend who will be there to minister to that friend should any fallout occur. Good luck going forward with these relationships and God be with you.
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