Arranged Marriages

There may be an inconsistency in my thinking about marriage (yes, another marriage post. Sorry). On one hand, I believe in arranged marriages. I think this is very Biblical. Adam and Eve were an arranged marriage, and they are supposed to be models of how we humans are supposed to be in a state of grace, for which Jesus died, to restore us to our Edenic glory, and then some. On the other hand, I think it is a bit foolish that couples get engaged, or married, too early. What exactly is the tension here? 

Well, the obvious answer is that there is a lack of knowledge of the other person, which isn't a problem in the first case, but is in the second. So I'm inconsistent. Do I need to drop support of one of these cases? Or both? Or do I need to refine my principles some more? 

Maybe I should explain what kind of arranged marriages I support, because they're not all the same, and they're not all valid, and some run a real risk of being invalid. No marriage should be against the will of the parties involved. Whatever arranged marriage does that is not one I support. However, the bachelor will often defer their judgment to someone in their family. Why? Because the family can know the bachelor better than the bachelor knows himself. We often deceive ourselves. Our elders, parents or grandparents, in their wisdom, can often see beyond our greedy and short term desires. I think this may be why arranged marriages tend to be more common in places like India and China, because they tend to respect their elders. 

So, because the bachelor willingly defers his judgment, he is still willing to be married to a stranger, and this would not invalidate the marriage. Now, compare this to someone in America who meets someone, and within a month or so of meeting that person, they become engaged. There is no time for a wise judgment, and no one else is really called upon for advice. And so, in this way, I can be consistent in being for arranged marriages and against modern hasty ones. 

While America doesn't have arranged marriages, we do have two things that carry on some basic principle of it, and I see it fading away, which is worrisome. The first, is something like online dating. Why do we do online dating? Well, I did Catholic Match because I understand that as a Catholic, I should not marry a non-Catholic. Yes, I am permitted to marry a non-Catholic, but as scripture says, what is permissible is not always beneficial, and certainly no sound Catholic will say that we should seek marriages with non-Catholics. So, because Catholic Match has set up their website in such a way that allows me to seek women with certain virtuous qualities, I am relying on them to aid me in finding me a spouse (which did not work, by the way. But I'm not knocking it, I've had some mild success on there). Catholic Match is in a way fulfilling the role of wise and learned match-maker. The second is the asking of the parents for permission. Unfortunately, we don't see this much anymore. The only people I know who do this are faithful Catholics, like my friend Alfie Bear, God bless his soul. When we ask a man for his daughters hand in marriage, we imply that he has the power to deny the request, and no marriage would take place (though if he is unwise in his decision, his veto power isn't the last word). This is more extraordinary than the elders playing match-maker, because the man is humbling himself and submitting himself to an elder man, from which he desires to take a daughter from his family. Remember, the Bible says that men and women are still supposed to be with their immediate family until they get married, and so we must ask that family for their permission, and the father is the head of the family, so it is appropriate to ask him, speaking for the family. So, American's still have this idea of asking for a woman's hand in marriage, but it's quickly dying out. 

Why is it dying out? Maybe because we don't respect our elders. We tend to think of older people as stupid and senile, a burden (loo at how frustrated we get with them on technology). Eastern cultures not so much. But that's another topic I guess.