Loving Sandwiches

I was once assigned a "How-To" project. That is, I had to go up in front of the class, and demonstrate to them all how to do something. I was given about a week to think of something, but being who I am, I procrastinated, and didn't even bother until the night before. Nothing came to mind, so I just decided to take an F on the assignment. Before I left to school that morning, my mom packed my lunch, which was really just sandwich parts I needed to put together. Figuring I had nothing really to lose, I decided to show everyone how to make a sandwich, and I would just make stuff up as I went along. 

So, I made up rules and legends about the types of breads that were acceptable with the types of meats. And I would put everything together, trying to make commentary on every ingredient that I put on there. One thing that I didn't make up was the rule that you don't put tomatoes in contact with the bread, because the moisture will thin out and break the bread. And as it happens, that was the only point that someone asked me about. "Well, at Subway, they put tomatoes on their bread." 

"Well Subway sandwich artists don't know what they're doing." That wasn't impressive, so I added, "But they can probably get away with that because the bread is a lot thicker, and moisture wouldn't be an issue." Seemed persuasive enough. 

So, there I was, with a sandwich, and wowing no one. Solid C-. But then this story popped in my head as I was finishing up my sandwich. True story. 

I used to play chess with a lot of homeless people. Not all homeless people are crazy or stupid, some have just made some really bad life choices. One guy used to have a decent living, but became an alcoholic. Smart guy, but just made bad decisions, and he was acutely aware of that. 

So I'm in the park one day, with all the chess players, homeless or not, and one guy, we called him Billy Blaze and he was homeless, comes up to me and says, "Kid, do you know how to tell if a woman loves you?" 

"How's that, Billy Blaze?" 

"Ask her to make you a sandwich." I immediately dismissed this as some sort of expression of hunger on his part, being homeless and whatnot. 

"A sandwich?"

"Yeah kid, a sandwich. But what you gotta do is say nothing else. If you're in your living room, just watching tv, just say, 'Hey babe, can you make me a sandwich?' Don't say anything else, and don't give her no instructions. Now, if she comes back at you with just some ham between two slices of bread, she ain't no good. But. BUT! If she comes back with toasted bread, fresh vegetables, cold meat, avocado, with chips, soda, and a pickle you didn't even ask for! Man! You got yourself a woman who loves you. And you need to marry that woman." 

I laughed. It was brilliant. It was true. I haven't found anyone I could ask to make me sandwich for a long time. But, it's good advice, I think.