Worth of Pursuing Marriage

I've dipped my toe back in the dating scene. I'm not dating, but I've started investing a little more in my friendships with women. Women I wouldn't mind dating. This is probably a bad idea though, as I can't really afford to invest this time anyways. But why do I desire this? What about marriage makes a man want to spend himself so much? Many of my philosopher friends will say that it is because marriage is a good, and goods are worth pursuing for precisely that reason. While I agree that marriage is a good, it's a little more than that. Pitching it as a mere good is to sell it short. Marriage isn't just good, it's sacred. 

When I reflect on that, I become a little embarrassed. When I think of things that are sacred, I have in mind something reverent and so glorious, that it keeps one silent. "Be still and know that I am God" says the Bible. When I am in front of the blessed sacrament, I am quite, still, at ease, at peace, etc. Or if I were to step into Europe's beautiful Gothic cathedrals, I'm sure that I would have a sense of awe, and I would take in the ageless beauty. Even if I were to try to pursue these things, I would have similar attitudes. I prepare myself for them. I reflect on my sins, and the works of my savior, or the rich history and tradition that I expect myself to step into. 

This is not how I am with marriage. I am anxious, impatient, nervous, among other uncomfortable things. This is a sacred goal that I treat and approach with a great difference, and perhaps this is a sign that I am doing something wrong. If marriage is a good and sacred thing, why does it cause me so much grief? Or if it does not cause me grief, and I am causing the grief myself, why do I not work myself up so much when other sacred things elude me? If I miss confession, I am disappointed, but I am still grateful that I am at least alive, and hopefully alive a little while longer so I can still receive God's grace. If I miss a mass at some beautiful cathedral, I am still disappointed, but am happy for everyone else who can experience it first hand. But I am not this way about marriage. I can become jealous that my friends are dating and getting hitched, while I remain single with no feasible prospects. I read and study how to obtain this sacrament, even in non-religious contexts. I read articles about how to attract the opposite sex, on how to kiss, what women appreciate, what women don't appreciate, and a bunch of other random stuff. With everything else, it just sort of happens. Going to mass, confession, or some great temple dedicated to our Lord is no problem. But getting married is. 

Perhaps it is this effort that is exactly the problem. Perhaps I am over thinking it. While I am grateful that God has graced me with other gifts, and my humility doesn't mind an absence every now and then on my part, I don't have that humility about marriage, and maybe that is why God keeps it from me. I get that feeling. The paradox is this: When you pursue a good to a certain level, it no longer becomes good. I have felt sometimes that all my efforts to obtain it has degraded it. It has shown my own selfishness. This abnormal desire and efforts make me into a certain person, with bad habits, and so makes me less unfit to actually obtain it. He whoever losses his life shall find it, says our Lord. Maybe when I lose this disproportionate desire to get married, I'll get married.