Best Friends

Today, I had a friend casually refer to me as her best friend. It was the first time in our relatively short time having known each other (a little under a year) that she had called me that, and I didn't think she realized she did it. I grinned, and waited for her to complete her thought, and I said, "Awwww, I'm your best friend?" After a pause, she got defensive, and tried to play it down with, "Well, it's not like I have a lot of friends anyways, and my other best friend is my little cousin, who is like nine years old, so..." Sure. 

It's a great honor really. But it can also be somewhat awkward if it isn't reciprocated. Say Devin is Adrian's best friend. This statement says something about the position of Devin in Adrian's life. It does not follow, however, that Adrian has the same status in Devin's life. Perhaps Lucas is Devin's best friend. Lucas is such that Lucas is the best friend in the set of friends Devin has. I think many people can relate to this sort of Friend Triangle. It's not a love triangle, it's a friend triangle. 

But what is awkward about it? Friends will the good of one another, and are united in certain endeavors. But what does it mean to be a best friend? It could mean that in these endeavors, we have achieved much unity. Suppose that I write philosophy papers with my friend Garry. And we have written many papers of high quality, and have had numerous accepted. Suppose also that this was the limit of our friendship. We may have cracked a joke once or twice, perhaps even grabbed a beer together, but though the we have met the ends of our relationships and met them repeatedly, it doesn't sound right to say that he is therefore my best friend. 

So, maybe depth isn't sufficient, then perhaps breadth as well. If Monica and I find ourselves united in our interests in music, politics, art, humor, philosophy, etc., then it seems she would be a better candidate for being a best friend than I am with Garry, even though the unity with Garry in matters of philosophical inquiry may be a greater intensity than with Monica. So maybe that's a better qualifier. 

Then consider a man who is alone in his life. He goes to work, communicates minimally with co-workers, usually on a need-only basis for work related issues, comes home, and watches some TV and goes to sleep. And one day, at the water dispenser, a co-worker says, "Nice weather, eh?" and he responds with, "Yeah, nice out." If this were the most union he has had with another person, then by the standards I just set out, this person is his best friend. That doesn't sound right either. They're barely friends, and having someone as a best friend means a lot more than some accidental place on a list. 

When I reflect, I gather that calling someone your best friend is to make a certain commitment to that person. With some friends, we may tolerate an end with some drifting over the years, but not so with a best friend. With a best friend, you may have arguments, and you may not always see eye to eye on certain issues, but rather than create distance and lessen the intensity of love between two friends, it adds an extra dimension to it. We are willing to tolerate it, and try to learn to accept it and love this person in a way that accommodates these differences (unless there is some obvious moral element to it. A difference in politics can easily derail a friendship, but it would be harder to justify that distance because I like to play country music in my car and you hate country music). 

This can also explain why when someone tells us that we are their best friend, but we are not theirs, it can feel awkward. They're making something of a commitment to us, and we might not be willing to reciprocate that commitment. So, this is why it also often the case that when Adrian is Devin's best friend, it is also true that Devin is Adrian's best friend. This is another type of unity.