Counterfactual Love

I have a conversion story that some people find entertaining. I think I am a good story teller, and sometimes, I will hear, "Yeah, I just have a boring testimony, if you even want to call it that. I was just baptized and raised in the faith. Nothing crazy." I make it a point, if I ever hear this, that those are stories that really matter. The boring stories where nothing dramatic happens. Those are more important. Why? Because obviously, some people need grace. The guy who murdered his friend in cold blood and found himself in prison for 20+ years, or the drug dealer who ruined many lives, or the porn star who found a way out of the industry, yes, all these people need grace, and it is very obvious that they need saving grace. And often times, these are interesting stories to hear. But the worry is that such stories of conversion downplay the work of Christ in everyone else's life. The worry is that if you didn't lead that bad or crazy or dramatic of a life, you don't need Christ. That's a dangerous belief to hold. It's false, and damning. Everyone needs Christ, even the "normal guy." There is no sin that doesn't greatly offend God and that you don't need saving from. 

So, that's the background. I listened to a talk that has made me appreciate this point even better. The point is originally credited to St. Therese, but I wasn't able to find it online. So, God, says St. Therese, is both Father and Physician. So God the Father sees his children walking down some path, and on this path there is a stumbling block. God can do one of two things. Allow his child on the path and stumble, or remove the stumbling block. If God removes the stumbling block, and His child continues to walk freely, there is a risk that the child will never know, and thus feel unloved. Or, perhaps, like he doesn't need God. This is the point I emphasize. We cannot think this way. The child, in his not feeling the pain and misery of the stumbling block, paradoxically feels unloved. 

However, God could also allow His child to stumble, and in allowing the child to suffer, God is able to heal that child, and the child then has a sense of the love that God has for him. Now God loves them both. God rejoices in the salvation of both. But in our suffering, we are convicted of the love that God has for us. 

No secret, I'm not...happy...with the way things are going in my life right now. And I have prayed for a quick and hasty death. I don't wish to undergo suffering any more. But, in light of this cute little analogy, of which I often give a variation of, I see a bit better why I am still alive. I do confess, sometimes, I have a weak faith in God's providence. Whatever it is that God has in store for me, I don't feel like it's worth staying alive for. But, of course, if God intends to heal me in life, then I will have an even greater appreciation, a bigger heart with which to love, God and neighbor. And God will be greater glorified for it, and that's what really matters. 

I can tell my conversion story to others because I have endured and tasted goodness and grace. And I can enjoy telling my testimony. It sucked going through it, but in retrospect, it all turned out okay. I just have to remind myself of that these days. I've lost sight of it.